#your charlotte chiropractor

[tebbyclinic05]

Cracking your neck has been around longer than sliced bread, ice cream, and the Crusades combined. That said, most people don’t understand why they crack their necks, how it happens, and why they feel the need to do it or what the cracking sounds are in their cervical spine. Read more at www.tebbyclinic.com

[i-did-not-mean-to]

MAY-U - Ori x OC

Ah, a bit of self-indulgent nonsense!

Characters: Ori x OC

Prompts: Bookshop - Chiropractor - Librarian - Two things can be true at the same time

Words: 2 200

Warnings: FTM character, slight nudity, massages, innuendo

“Say, Charlie,” Fíli looked up from his beer with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. “Would you do me a favour?”

Charlotte, who only loathed her family’s nickname more than her actual, official name, narrowed her deep green eyes in instinctive suspicion before cocking her head inquisitively. “You can always ask. I still owe you one for letting me use your body for my anatomy study.”

“Abuse, you mean?” Fíli cackled and punched her shoulder playfully.

She’d known the young man for years and usually trusted him fully, but she’d witnessed the catastrophic consequences of his present facial expression once too often not to be wary of his next words.

“I’ve got this friend,” he started in his most melodious and persuasive voice, lifting his strong hands to nip her protest in the bud. “He’s been studying hard to become a librarian, and all these hours hunched over heavy books have left him with a sore neck.”

When she merely stared at him in wordless outrage, he chuckled. “He’s working in the little bookshop by the campus, and I’m sure he could get you a discount on that absurdly weighty tome of technical literature you’ve been eyeing!”

This gave Charlie pause; she’d been in that establishment more than once, but she couldn’t recall ever spotting a conspicuous hunchback on the premises. Then again, she was not actively paying attention to people when there were so many interesting and desirable books around.

“I’m a medical professional, not a masseuse,” she finally muttered. “And I’m not even licensed yet—I can’t go treating people willy-nilly.”

“Oh no,” Fíli exclaimed triumphantly. “This would be strictly non-professional. Really, it would be unethical of me to suggest otherwise.”

“So, he’s hot,” Charlie grunted as soon as she realised she’d blindly run right into the trap her friend had set for her without so much as earnestly trying to dissimulate it.

With a charming grin, Fíli shrugged. “Couldn’t say—I’m not into men. I don’t think there’s anything really wrong with him, so there is no need for you to deploy all your professional skills. See? No ethical dilemma—it’s just a little favour amongst friends.”

“That man—what’s his name?—is not my friend, though,” Charlie protested weakly, thinking of the book she desired so passionately and could not possibly afford.

“His name is Ori, and he could become your friend. I’ll tell him you’ll swing by—I’ll even throw in a pizza for the both of you to enjoy once the deep tissue massage is over.”

“You should have become a salesman,” Charlie grumbled but reluctantly agreed to present herself in the cosy bookshop the following day.

“You’re the best. I promise you won’t regret it,” Fíli cheered, pressed a resounding kiss onto her cheek, and sauntered out of the small pub without paying his tab.

Ori kept glancing at the door as if he expected Death personified to stroll in at any moment.

Ever since Fíli had ambushed him at closing time the previous day, he’d been in a state of high alert that did nothing for his already painfully tense neck and shoulder muscles.

Toying with a bookmark absent-mindedly, the future librarian wondered whether all Fíli’s friends were de facto worried whenever he declared that he had an “idea”. At first, the promise of a free massage had sounded too good to be true—Ori knew that he was in desperate need of a bit of relaxation—but, only too soon, that fleeting sense of nascent ease had dissolved in a surge of paralysing panic.

“Did you tell your friend…You know…?” he’d squeaked, dreading whatever answer Fíli could have given.

“I’ve told Charlie that it would not be a professional chiropractor session, so there was no ethical dilemma impeding the obtainment of a license in the future,” Fíli had grinned. “Just a little kneading between friends!”

“You know exactly what I mean! What did you say about me?”

“Nothing! I want it to be a surprise. We’re friends, after all, and all my friends deserve good things!”

“I am not a good thing!” Ori had exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air helplessly.

“To Charlie, you will be. Now shut up and don’t look a gift horse in the mouth!”

The mere insinuation that he was being ungrateful had had a chilling effect on Ori, and so, he had simply done as he’d been told and kept his mouth shut.

Only 10 more minutes until closing time, he now thought nervously as his eyes flew to the clock once more. Maybe, that mysterious friend would not show up after all. No doubt, Fíli’s college buddies had better things to do than to go dispensing much-needed healing interventions—free of charge moreover—to random bookworms they’d never met.

And then, the bell over the door jingled and a young woman strode in, her curly hair tousled by the wind and her round cheeks flushed with colour.

Ori’s heart sank.

“Oh Fíli, you ass,” she cursed under her breath as she approached the counter with unwavering determination.

Ori, who’d always felt so safe behind the solid wood, all of a sudden couldn’t shake the sensation of being woefully exposed on the small dais, akin to a sacrificial lamb about to meet its bloody demise.

“You must be Ori,” she said in lieu of a proper greeting. “How come I’ve never seen you around? Surely, I should have…”

“You’re a girl,” Ori replied sheepishly. “Fíli didn’t say…He let me believe…”

“Righto!” She threw her head back and laughed, wishing Fíli to hell for playing wicked games with his so-called friends’ emotions. “I’m Charlie, and I’ve been told that you needed a neck massage.”

“Charlie,” Ori replied softly, the wheels in his head clicking softly into place. He knew her—of course, he did.

The small, curvy woman had come in several times in the last few weeks to look at one specific book, and he’d often wondered whether he should simply offer to use his employee discount for her to purchase it. Ori knew they’d never sell the blasted thing at full price anyway; it was much too expensive and heavy, and the internet had made it patently obsolete.

“Do you want the book?” he asked as if he’d not heard or processed her very clear explanation for her presence in the shop.

“No, well yes, but not now…You’re almost off, aren’t you? Do you live far? I don’t think that you’d want to do this at your workplace, would you?” Charlie bit her lip nervously, blinking rapidly when Ori only stared at her, dumbfounded, instead of answering.

"Very close, actually. I have…I rent the flat upstairs, so…Do you really want to do that?”

No, Charlie thought, but she’d given her word to Fíli, and she was not the kind of woman to flake even if she was aware that she’d been tricked mercilessly. She’d not grant her friend the satisfaction of having cowed her so easily!

Ori, as she had secretly suspected, was exactly her type—pale and doe-eyed, he had the elfin charm of a porcelain doll and hair shimmering in all the shades of a midnight bonfire.

Few were the people who knew that Charlotte, her parents’ perfect princess, was both astoundingly indiscriminate when it came to the gender of her partners and laughably partial to gingers.

Fíli, of course, was one of those rare chosen ones who were all too aware of that particular proclivity of hers, and a part of her resented him ferociously for having hidden away a rare beauty like Ori all this time.

“Better late than never,” she muttered to herself as she watched Ori lock the register hastily and turn down the lights.

From his reduced range of motion and frequent wincing, she could deduce that Fíli had indeed been right in his layman’s diagnosis, and her professional pride was awakened at once.

Even though they all agreed that it would be better for her not to deploy any overly technical manoeuvres, she couldn’t help but think that a proper deep tissue massage would do wonders for the poor wretch.

“You know that for this to work, you’ll need to relax sooner or later, right?” she teased gently when Ori gestured at the small, squeaking door leading to the backroom jerkily.

The small “hmph” sound that escaped her host as he climbed the rickety stairs stiffly ahead of her made her smile instinctively, and she impetuously vowed that she’d make him unwind at all costs.

His flat turned out to be so small that they walked through the door and right into his crowded living room, and Charlie breathed in the warm, dusty air greedily as if she could learn more about the enthralling tenant through mere inhalation.

“Erm, do you need anything?” Ori asked, kneading his fingers fitfully as he tried to push a pair of worn sneakers under the couch with his heel. “A drink or…”

“A flat surface,” Charlie replied calmly. “If possible one that is accessible from every side…and a lemonade, if you have one.”

She’d only added the last part to give him the illusion of control, and she suppressed another grin when he dashed into the adjoining kitchen right away.

Oh yes, Fíli would definitely pay for this!

Listening to the clinking of glassware and the thump of a fridge door being opened and closed, Charlie assessed the cramped living room. If she half-converted the rickety sofa bed, she could push aside the coffee table and walk around the furniture with ease…she had to keep herself distracted, lest she dwell too long and too intensely on the endearingly wavering smile or the deep, dark eyes of her unwitting host.

“Here we are,” Ori spoke behind her and handed her a promotional glass with another heart-wrenching smile that made her shiver with joyful anticipation of she knew not what exactly. “I can give you every discount in the system for the book; I’m sure we can bring it down to an almost reasonable price!”

He was sweet, Charlie realised, and that alone made her all but forget about the blasted volume of wisdom, slumbering in the fragrant darkness downstairs.

“Let me earn it,” she purred, feeling for her bag across the mutilated couch. “Why don’t you take off your sweatshirt? You’re not allergic to arnica or mint, right?”

Ori shook his head but didn’t undress.

“There is something you need to know,” he murmured, visibly ill at ease. “Fíli should have told you, really, but…”

Beneath his wispy beard, his face filled with colour, and Charlie gripped her bag tighter to keep her hands from reaching out to dip her fingers into that entrancing pool of blossoming pink.

She nodded encouragingly.

“I was not…My biological sex does not correspond to my gender identity,” he said firmly, belying the tension in his shoulders and the quiver in his lower lip. “But I am a man!”

“Two things can be true at the same time,” Charlie replied in her most professional tone. “As it is, I might also need a towel, please. I will not ask you to take off any more than your sweatshirt if you’re not comfortable with that, but I need to have access to your shoulders. We usually cover the chest area of people with breasts.”

“Oh, they’re not worth the hassle,” Ori chuckled nervously. “So, I just wanted you to know…in case that changes things for you.”

“Other than me asking for a towel, not really. Why would it?” Charlie was genuinely confused. “Right. You’re only here as a favour to Fíli…I didn’t mean to imply anything improper…I’m sorry!”

“You’re cute,” Charlie interrupted his self-conscious waffling resolutely. “Fíli knew precisely what he was doing.”

She grabbed him by the shoulders, digging her fingers into the tense muscle tentatively, and looked him in the eye. “It changes nothing. Now, let’s start before I forget myself!”

Her breathy confession seemed to embolden Ori considerably, for he tore off his woollen sweater in one fluid motion and tossed it aside.

“Sports bra! Sensible choice!” Charlie praised and motioned at the cleared sofa bed. “Lay down please.”

On account of her previous act of unsanctioned vandalism, she now could comfortably crouch over him for the first part of the massage and thus managed to apply enough pressure to work out the knots of compounded tension progressively.

“You should watch your posture!” Charlie muttered as she got up and walked around the piece of furniture to stand over her softly moaning new friend.

“Will you come back if I don’t?” he asked dreamily.

“I’ll come back if you ask me back,” she replied immediately. “I’d rather not see you in pain, though. Now close your eyes and enjoy!”

No matter what she’d said before, she had to admit that she was thoroughly enjoying this, and—even though her hands grew tired—she wished that this moment would never end.

“Charlie,” Ori whispered then. “As this is in no way a professional intervention, I can take off the bra, if…”

“Yes,” she said with unmistakable fervour, relieved that her unshakeable sense of professional ethics would not be compromised by whatever happened next. “Please!”

↬ Masterlist

Thank you so much for joining me on this new adventure.

@fellowshipofthefics here's the next one for May!

Lots of love from me!

[activelifenc1]

Best Chiropractor near Charlotte

Active Life Chiropractic offers gentle, effective adjustments for a variety of spinal conditions, including neck pain, headaches, and back pain. Our best chiropractor near Charlotte dedicated to improving your health and well-being.  Schedule online today!

[activelifenc]

3 Reasons Why Your Low Back Hurts When You Stand Up

There can be several factors that contribute to pain when transitioning from a sitting to a standing position. Here are a few possible causes:

Imbalances within the pelvis and its surrounding muscles.  Prolonged sitting can lead to both structural and muscle imbalances, particularly in the sacrum (hip bone), hip flexors and gluteal muscles. When you stand up, these imbalances can cause pain as the muscles readjust and try to support your body weight. If this is the cause of your pain, the best treatment is to see a chiropractor near you.

Joint stiffness: Remaining seated for extended periods can cause joints, such as the knees and hips, to become stiff. When you stand up, the sudden movement can strain these stiff joints and cause discomfort.

Poor posture: Maintaining improper posture while sitting, such as slouching or sitting with rounded shoulders, can place excessive stress on your spine and other supporting structures. When you stand up, the change in position can exacerbate the strain on these areas and result in pain.

It’s important to note that these are general possibilities, and the actual cause of your pain may vary. If you frequently experience pain when transitioning from sitting to standing, it’s advisable to consult a healthcare professional, such as a doctor or chiropractor, for a proper evaluation and personalized advice.

If you live in Charlotte and are suffering from low back pain while standing,  check out Active Life Chiropractic in Ballantyne. Our conservative treatments aim to eliminate the root cause of back pain and prevent future flare ups.

[activelifechiropractic]

Remedies for Headaches in Charlotte

Find relief and best natural remedies for headaches in Charlotte, NC Area? We provide to lifestyle changes, relieve headaches and improve your well-being. For more information or to schedule an appointment with Active Life Chiropractor, Call us at 980-406-3862 today!

[tebbyclinic05]

Lower Back Pain Treatment | Tebby Clinic | Charlotte

Tired of relying on painkillers to manage your lower back pain? Chiropractic treatment offers a holistic approach that addresses the root cause of your pain. Trust our team of skilled chiropractors to help you achieve optimal health and wellness. For more details visit www.tebbyclinic.com or call us at 704-541-7111

[datascraping001]

Chiropractor Data Scraping

A chiropractor email list has become very easy to obtain. Many business users and clients are interested in extracting data from chiropractor websites in case of a medical emergency. You can easily extract this valuable data with the help of chiropractor data scraping services that we provide for chiropractor contact lists and chiropractor email lists.

A data scraper is an application that extracts data from a website or other online source. It can be used to gather information from sources without APIs or to get data that is not easily accessible through a normal web browser.

List Of Data Fields

We can Scrape the following Data Fields:

Chiropractor Name

Address

City, State, Zipcode, Country

Phone & Fax Number

Website URL

Practice Hours

Education & Medical Degree

Work Experience

Reviews

Ratings

Popular Chiropractors Directories List

We can extract data from the following Chiropractors Website Directories list at DataScrapingServices

Chirodirectory.Com

Acatoday.Org

Chiropractic-Uk.Co.Uk

Ada.Gov

Perfectpatients.Com

Uschirodirectory.Com

Webmd.Com

Doctordirectory.Com

Doctordatabases.Com

Castleconnolly.Com

What Are The Best Data Scraping Services for Chiropractors?

When picking the best data scraping services for chiropractors, there are a few things to take into account. Chief among them is the quality of the data, followed by the cost. Customer service should also be considered when making a decision. When searching for superior quality, you need to check that the chiropractor’s email list is precise and current; it must also be comprehensive and user-friendly. Reliability is another element that requires your attention. When looking at prices, there are some important factors to take into account. We want to make sure we are getting the right value for our money, that the cost is sensible and all features are included. Additionally, when it comes to customer service we should ensure that we have easy access, fast response times, and helpful staff who know the product well.

Why choose us?

There are a few key things to consider when choosing a data scraping service for your business needs. Below, we list a few factors to keep in mind while making your decision:

-The type of data you need: Some scraping services specialize in extracting specific types of data (e.g., product pricing information from e-commerce websites). Make sure to choose a service that can handle the type of data you need. -The amount of data you need: If you only need a small amount of data, there is no need to sign up for an expensive package with a lot of features you may never use. On the other hand, if you plan on scraping large amounts of data on a regular basis, it may be worth investing in a more comprehensive solution. -The format you need the data in Some scraping services can only provide the data in raw HTML format, while others can parse it into CSV or Excel files, making it much easier to work with. Choose a service that can deliver the data in the format you need. -Your budget: Obviously, price is an important factor to consider when choosing any business service. Before making any final decisions, get quotes from several providers.

One of the most efficient and effective ways to gather data is through chiropractor data scraping services. By using this type of service, businesses and individuals can gather large amounts of data quickly and easily from a variety of sources, making it a valuable tool. Explore chiropractor data scraping services if you need to gather data for your own purposes.

Best Chiropractor Data Scraping Services in the USA: New York, Los Angeles, California, Chicago, Illinois, Houston, Texas, Phoenix, Arizona, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, San Diego, Dallas, San Jose, Austin, Jacksonville, Ohio, Indianapolis, Indiana, Charlotte, North Carolina, San Francisco, Seattle, Washington, Denver, Colorado, DC, Oklahoma, El Paso, Boston, Massachusetts, Detroit, Michigan, Memphis, Louisville-Jefferson County, Kentucky, Baltimore, Maryland, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Albuquerque, Tucson, Fresno, Sacramento, Kansas City, Missouri, Mesa, Atlanta, Georgia, Omaha, Nebraska, Colorado Springs, Colored, Raleigh, Long Beach, Virginia Beach, Miami, Oakland, Minneapolis, Tulsa, Bakersfield, Wichita, Arlington, Texas, Nashville-Davidson, Tennessee, Oklahoma City, Fort Worth, Columbus, Portland, Oregon, Las Vegas, Nevada.

If you are looking for chiropractor data scraping services and a chiropractor email list then email us at info@datascrapingservices.com.

Website: datascrapingservices.com.

Skype: nprojectshub

[chiropractor-charlotte-nc]

If you’ve never heard of upper cross syndrome, it’s quite common in our world today, and there are a few signs and symptoms that come with it. The syndrome occurs when the muscles in your neck, shoulders, and chest become deformed due to poor posture.

The name comes from the weak and overly tense muscles throughout your shoulder and chest areas that are arranged in a crisscross pattern. If you have the syndrome, the muscles in the back of your neck are getting worked incredibly hard, which will lead to unnecessary stress and strain. Yourchest’s major and minor pectoralis muscles will shorten and tighten since they’ll get used to moving into their new, albeit improper, position. Some of the muscles that are meant to be worked with the aforementioned moving muscles may also weaken because they won’t be used as intended.

Causes

The culprit is a poor, hunched posture along with an inactive lifestyle. If you sit or stand for long periods of time with your head tilted forward, you’re actually training your muscles to stay this way. Activities that contribute to this include driving, using a computer, playing on your cell phone, reading, and workouts like biking, lifting weights, and swimming. If you want to avoid further injury, you should visit a Charlotte chiropractor so that they can help you create a personal healing plan that fits your body.

Signs

If you suspect that you might have this syndrome, there are a few telltale signs you can look for. Upper cross syndrome is characterized by a constantly forward-leaning head. You will feel stiffness in your neck and back as well as chronic pain and muscle damage. If your spine starts to develop an unnatural curve where your neck is supposed to curve in as your upper back curves out, you might see a hunch in your back. Your shoulders will slump forward, and your shoulder blades will stick out instead of lining straight down your back.

Symptoms

Some of the symptoms that come with upper crossed syndrome can really impact our bodies and cause major discomfort. These symptoms may include fatigue, headaches, pain after prolonged sitting, tingling or pain throughout your arms, tightness in your neck and chest, tension on your back or a weak front side, soreness in your shoulder blades, jaws, lower back, and limited range of motion in your upper body.

Treatment

For treatment, suffers must see a chiropractor. He or she will know what exercises and physical therapy you’ll need to correct this syndrome. You may feel some pain and discomfort in the beginning, but it’s important to stretch and get used to it. You will heal a lot faster under a chiropractor’s care than if you just exercised alone. After any adjustments, your joints may feel a lot more aligned, finally allowing your muscles to relax and stretch accordingly. After a little while, you can start getting into deeper stretches.

Prevention

Prevention is always better than cure, so you want to try your hardest to avoid activities that require you to sit with your head forward for any amount of time. If you must sit at a computer all day for work, try to make a conscious decision to maintain proper posture.

Other ways you can prevent upper cross syndrome is by getting at least 30 minutes of cardio every day, stretching and exercising those muscles in your neck, shoulders, back, and chest. You can also try keeping your books, phones, and even steering wheels at eye level.

Tebby Chiropractic and Sports Medicine Clinic provides chiropractic services in Charlotte, NC. Get in touch today to see how we can help with your back pain.

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[activelifenc1]

Remedies for Headaches in Charlotte

Active Life Chiropractic is your go-to solution for migraine relief in Charlotte. Our experienced chiropractors specialize in treating remedies for headaches in Charlotte, including migraines. Say goodbye to pain and discomfort.

[activelifenc]

Here are the Most Common Treatment Options for Sciatica

The treatment for sciatica often depends on the underlying cause and severity of the condition. Here are some common approaches beginning with the lowest invasive.

Heat and Cold Therapy: Applying heat packs or ice packs to the affected area can help reduce inflammation and alleviate pain. Alternating between heat and cold therapy may be beneficial.

Pain Management: Over-the-counter pain relievers such as ibuprofen (Advil, Motrin IB) or naproxen sodium (Aleve) can help reduce pain and inflammation. In some cases, prescription medications like muscle relaxants or narcotics may be necessary.

Chiropractic Manipulation: Spinal adjustments performed by a chiropractor may help relieve pressure on the sciatic nerve and improve symptoms.

Physical Therapy: Specific exercises and stretches can help relieve pressure on the sciatic nerve and strengthen the muscles supporting the spine. A physical therapist can provide guidance on proper techniques.

Steroid Injections: Corticosteroid injections directly into the affected area can help reduce inflammation and provide temporary pain relief.

Surgery: In severe cases of sciatica where conservative treatments have failed to provide relief, surgery may be considered. Surgical options may include discectomy (removal of part of a herniated disk) or laminectomy (removal of part of a vertebra).

It’s essential to consult with a healthcare professional for proper diagnosis and treatment recommendations tailored to your specific condition.

If you live in Charlotte and are in need of a sciatic nerve evaluation, check out Active Life Chiropractic in Ballantyne. Our conservative treatments aim to eliminate the root cause of sciatic pain and prevent future flare ups. Many patients see relief within 1 week!

[s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s]

These were my absolute favorite movies of 2021, in no particular order:

1. Vacation Friends—Tom Brady and Tyler Perry have great comedic chemistry in this laugh-out-loud rom-com vacation getaway gone awry. With Cameron Diaz and Whoopi Goldberg as Chevy Chase and Beverly D’Angelo. Cinematography by Annie Leibovitz.

2. Cruella—Disney does it again. All the Emmas of Hollywood team up in this villainous origin story in which Sharon Stone adopts a zombie brood of Dalmatians to help kick-start her own hair-care fashion line called “Lucky Scrunchies.” This movie has dog-lover’s pizza written all over it!

3. Jungle Cruise—John Cena and Kirsten Dunst go on a gay-friendly Disney “cruise” ravaged by zombie monkeys in the Brazilian rainforest. A hologram of Michael Jackson makes a cameo as Ronald McDonald in a Technicolor burlesque sequence at Radio City Music Hall (featuring the Muppets), while Chris Pratt and Chris Evans play evil twins manning an atomic submarine in pursuit of a rare anaconda unicorn that gets lost while shopping at Kohl’s. Oscar frontrunner for sure.

4. Venom 2: Let There Be Carnage—More sloppy seconds from Marvel!

5. Drive My Car—This 3-hour HD screensaver from Apple TV is a super-cut of all the most violent murder sequences from Grand Theft Auto: The Battle of Gay Tony. In Japanese with drag subtitles.

6. The Power of the Dog—Benji vs. Cujo in a vicious canine-with-rabies bloodbath from hell. With Kendall Roy as Darth Vader. Now streaming on The Humane Society +.

7. Spencer—A riveting psychological docu-drama in which Kristen Stewart loses a contact lens and spends half the film searching for it inside a palatial mansion. She meets a chiropractor named Spencer Tracy who gives her an “adjustment of a lifetime,” forever changing the course of the universe. Jaw-dropping costume design by a Sears catalog circa 1991.

8. Licorice Pizza—There’s something for everyone in this sci-fi scramble of Mystic Pizza meets Willy Wonka. Olivia Rodrigo stars as the matriarch of a hoard of child-trafficking Antifa vampires smuggling Covid-laced heroin into hospices across America as a plot to overthrow Big Lots. There’s also a show-stopping musical number starring a hologram of Philip Seymour Hoffman as the rat that dragged a slice of pizza up the escalator in that viral video from a few years ago.

9. Spiderman: No Way Home—Peter Parker gets off his meds, breaks up with Zendaya, and finds himself “psychologically ensnared” in Charlotte’s “web of deception.” A downward spiral ensues: meth binge, bankruptcy, a cameo on that TV show Hoarders, where Peter is fatally crushed by a mountain of National Geographic magazines he’s been collecting since first grade. Charlotte hatches a million spider babies who feast on Peter’s “radioactive” carcass and begin spinning a green “virtual-reality” web in the Simulated Matrix Metaverse, where A.I. Chinese Overlord.com takes control of the global marketplace, drinks Pepsi all day, gets diabetes, and has to have its legs surgically removed by Keanu Reeves, whose last words before the anesthesia kicks in are: “Let’s Scooby-Doo this mother.” Starring Elon Musk as Wilbur the Pig and Mark Zuckerberg as James Franco before #metoo. Directed by Satan.

10. Avatar 2—Another masterpiece from John Cameron Mitchell. The Smurfs get swole, drop acid and disembowel Gargamel’s cat Azrael, who comes back as a zombie and eats Vin Diesel’s face right off in a stunning cross-cut-mash-up with Jungle Cruise 2: The Wrath of John Candy. With Amy Schumer as Smurfette.

11. West Side Story—An exhilarating edge-of-your-seat 24-hour C-Span live-stream of Kim and Kanye’s divorce proceedings. Starring Poe from Star Wars and Nicole Kidman from Australia. Directed by a hologram of Ingmar Bergman, with stunning dogma-style cinematography by Karen from Central Park. Now streaming on Disney +.

[omg-im-such-a-masochist]

🎁🔥GUESS WHO?🔥🎁

Prompt: Y/N’s first day back to work from her vacation is also coincidentally her birthday, as the day goes by, one mysterious box is placed on her work table. The content of it is a devious surprise and Y/N needs to find out who is the mysterious person who dared to give her such a kinky birthday present.

Word count: Long-ish

Pairing: Roman Reigns x Reader

Warnings: +18, smut, bondage(handcuffs), use of a vibrator, fingering, rough sex, mentions of voyeurism, oral sex (female receiving), dirty talk, cursing.

My Roman lovers: @ziasaph, @reigns-5sos, @mindofasagittaruis

Notes: What a better way to start 2021, then with a Roman kinky fic?! I wish you all a Happy New Year loves, may 2021 be kinder to us all. Y’all know the drill loves,sorry for misspellings,english isn’t my first language (bla bla bla),check out my other stories if you’d like to(it would make your girl here very happy 😊) and if you’re comfortable with it,please let me know what you think? Some feedback is always welcomed and appreciated ❤️You can check out my other stories typing ‘masochist writes’ on the search bar on my page and my newest story as a fixed post.Okay,now let’s get to the fun part,shall we? Hope you’ll enjoy 😉

“Happy birthday, to you..” I turn around to the sound of a person singing, just to see Sasha Banks holding a chocolate cupcake and a present bag on her hands.

“Hi Sasha.” I smiled

“Happy birthday babe!” Sasha ran up to me, placing the cupcake on my working table and hugging me tightly.

“Thanks Sasha”

This was my first day back from my vacation, and coincidentally it was also my birthday, so I was excited to see some of the good friends I’ve made while working for the WWE as a chiropractor.

“Here this is for you!” Sasha handed me a present bag.

“Oh Sasha, you really didn’t have to-“

“Shush! I love you, so of course I would pamper you on your birthday” Sasha said as I opened the bag to find a pair of Louboutin’s I had my eyes on for quite sometime, but couldn’t afford it.

“Sasha, are you insane? I can’t accept these! It’s way too expensive!” I gasped

“I am perfectly sane, you will accept these and I don’t care if you think they’re too expensive! I love you, you’re one of my best friends in this company and a human being with a heart made of gold. So if there is someone who deserves these is you” She happily said

“Sasha, I don’t even know how to thank you enough” I whispered with tears on my eyes

“Just say you will be my friend forever babe” She winked

“I don’t need presents to be your friend love”

“That’s why I gave it to you. I don’t care how much they cost, I just want to make my best friend happy on her birthday”

I hugged her and whispered ‘thank you’ on her ear

“So, who else has came here today?” She asked

“Oh! Bayley, Charlotte, Xavier, Kofi, Cesaro, Big E, Alexa, Naomi, Jey, Becky, Seth, Finn, Renee and Dean” I said, listing my close friends

“I was the last one then? Damn it!”

“It’s ok, I know you were busy today love”

“So...no Roman?” She whispered

“No, no Roman” I answered slightly disappointed.

Sasha along with Bayley and Renee were the only 3 people who knew about my stupid crush on Roman Reigns. It’s so stupid of me to think that a man like him would ever look at someone like me.

If he would ever look at someone on this company, it wouldn’t be the thick girl who worked as a chiropractor and yes one of the beautiful toned Divas of this company.

But still I couldn’t help but daydream about having him on top of me.

“Maybe he doesn’t know it’s your birthday?” Sasha tried to make it less uncomfortable

“Really Sasha? He’s friends with Dean! Everybody knows Dean is an open mouth, loud as fuck and can’t keep it to himself not even if his life depended on it...Roman just chose to ignore it, and it’s fine. We’re not close or anything so, I wasn’t expecting him to show up at my office door and fuck me on top of this table” I lied while chuckling weirdly

“Let’s be honest babe, everybody secretly wants Roman Reigns to fuck them on top of a table!” We both laughed at her statement before she continued “It’s his loss anyways babe”

“Yeah I guess so...”

I was making my way back to my office, from the women’s locker room, when a big black box with a golden ribbon called my attention on top of my desk.

“What the hell?” I said as I approached the box carefully. All of my closest friends had already wished me a happy birthday and gave me their presents so this was, to say the least, weird and unexpected.

I saw a blood red card on top of it, so I opened to find the handwritten saying

‘I hope these will make your birthday night unforgettable. Can you guess who’ve bought these for you? ;)’

Ok, that’s pretty fucking weird! I thought

From the corner of my eye I saw Sasha passing by and loudly whispered

“Sasha! Come here”

She entered my office “What’s up girl? Are you ok? You look scared”

I closed my office door and locked, and made my way back to the table by her side.

“Ok, I’m feeling a little paranoid. I just came back to my office to find this box and this card. Here” I handed the card to her and she red silently.

“Did you look what’s inside of it?” Sasha said

“Nope. And to be honest I don’t know if I can..what if it’s like a prank or something?”

“Well, there’s only one way to find out Y/N”

She opened the box, inside of it there was a fancy red paper, I took it out of the way to reveal what was underneath it and I tell you I almost passed out.

Inside the box there was a lavender and purple (my favorite colors) vibrator, it was actually pretty cute...two pairs of handcuffs, lube, nipples clamps and a whip.

“Oh my gosh” Sasha gasped as she took the clamps on one hand and the whip on the other. “Someone wants to get kinky with you girl!” She examined the items carefully

“What in the actual fuck?” I whispered shocked “Give me that!” I took the items out of her hand, shoved back into the box and quickly closed with the black lid.

“Jesus, I can get fired if someone sees that in my office! Who the hell would do that?”

“Someone who wants to get some! And wants it rough” She chuckled

“Sasha it’s not funny! I could not have a job tomorrow morning if someone from the company found these”

“Who do you think did this?” She asked seriously

“How am I supposed to know? I have no fucking clue!”

“Maybe someone who’s name starts with an R...” She smirked

“R?... What ar-... Oh hell no! Nu uh, that’s impossible!” She couldn’t be implying that Roman was behind this, was he? No! Of course not, that’s a dumb thing to think of...but a part of me wished it was him, even though I know it wasn’t.

“Why impossible? You’re a gorgeous woman Y/N! You two would make a beautiful couple, plus, I‘ve seen his handwriting before and I’m pretty sure it’s quite similar to this one” She said as she inspected the card closely.

“Obviously someone wants to make fun out of me, so I’ll just pretend this never happened” I took the card out of her hand and shoved inside the box.

“Or someone has an eye on you for a while and decided to finally make a move”

“Sasha, please don’t tell this to anyone”

“Your secret is safe with me babe. Just promise that when your secret admirer finally show up, you’ll tell me if you guys made a good use of his presents” She laughed

“You’re the worst!” I laughed along

I made my way back to my hotel room later that evening with my hands so full of packages I could barely walk. I opened the door and carefully placed the bags, along with the black box, on the floor.

I went to the bed and sat down on the edge, while I stared at the box.

*Could Sasha be right? Could it be Roman who did this?* Was the only thought that crossed my mind

I decided to forget all about it and take a shower to wash off the day.

As I was rinsing my hair I heard some noise coming from the bedroom

*What the hell was that?*

I blamed on my super active mind and turned the shower off.

I got changed into some clean oversized t- shirt, and went full on commando. I was brushing my damp hair, when I decided to lay out the contents of the black box on the bed.

I roamed my eyes on each item slowly, until they stopped on the lavender and purple happiness. I turned the vibrator on and felt slightly tempted to use it.

*Oh fuck it! Happy birthday to me I guess”

I got rid of the t-shirt and lay down on the bed naked.

I closed my eyes, letting my mind imagine my wet dream, in form of a man... his face, his body, his cock and how I wish I could feel it inside of me, stretching me as I teased my clit with the vibrator.

I moaned Roman’s name and heard someone clear their throat on the foot of the bed. My eyes shot open and my heart nearly stopped beating when I saw who was in front of me. The vision was so unexpected that I even forgot I was naked.

“I see you liked my gift then” He smirked

“Wh- What are you doing here? How did you get inside of my room?” I whispered

“Does it matter?” His eyes had an evil glimpse to it

“Roman... I- I can explain” I begin to stutter

He placed his index finger on his lips in a shh motion and I stopped talking. He hungrily stared at every inch of my naked body, making me feel quite self conscious of the imperfections of it. I grabbed the blanket to cover my nakedness, he notice what I was about to do and yanked the blankets off the bed

“I’ve been waiting for years to see you like this, so don’t you dare cover yourself from me now”

He took off his shirt and pants leaving only his boxers on, from where I was laying I could see the outline of his hard cock and the wet spot of pre cum near of it’s head. He crawled on top of me slowly, like a predator, with dangerous eyes that were glued to my own.

“At first I was only gonna watch you... I wanted to see you pleasure yourself with my gifts, but when I saw your body fully naked on this bed moaning my name” He grunted “I couldn’t control myself, I couldn’t see this” He took the vibrator off my hand and placed on the bed by our side “Having all the fun with you, enjoying every part of your beautiful body, stretching your sweet pussy while my own cock only got to watch, he wants to have his own fun with you baby girl. He wants to make you feel real good” He leaned closer to my face, his lips brushing mine as he asked “Do you want that Y/N? Do you want my cock to make you feel good? Do you want it to stretch you out baby? Do you want it to fuck you hard and rough? Or do you prefer it slow and sweet? Do you want me to fuck you from behind?...Or maybe I should eat you out first huh? Eat that sweet pussy until you’re begging me to stop, I can’t wait to feel you come on my mouth...around my cock,milking it really nice” He growled “Tell me Y/N, what do you want?”

“I want it all, I want everything” I panted as he dry humped me

“Will you let me do whatever I want with you baby girl? What I’ve always wanted to do?”

“Yes”

He smiled satisfied, leaning to kissed me roughly and sloppily as he grabbed both of my wrists into one of his big hands pining it over my head.

“If anything I do bothers you or you feel like your not feeling it or don’t like it, you let me know ok?”

I nodded

“I need words baby girl”

“Yes, I understand”

“Good” He smiled and I felt something cold close around my wrists. I looked up to see the handcuffs around my wrists being closed on the headboard of the bed. Roman sat up and looked down do my naked body at his disposal.

“Fuck, you’re such a gorgeous sight” He said as he palmed his hard cock through his boxers. “I can’t wait to bury my cock deep inside you” He panted

“Roman, please do something” I whispered

His hands roamed the sides of my body until he stopped at my breasts as his hands squeezed them hard while pinching my nipples.

“These were made just for me. Do you see how they perfectly fit my hands? I can only imagine how even more beautiful your breasts will look with my cock sliding in between them” His eyes were glued on my breasts.

I tugged at my handcuffed hands, begging “Roman, please, I need- something”

“Let’s take a look on this pussy...are you wet for me Y/N?”

“Soaked”

He raised his eyebrows “Really? Let‘s see” Two of his fingers slides through my folds “Fuck baby girl, you are soaked. Jesus, we won’t even need lube” His fingers traced lazy circles around my clit, making me moan in pleasure. One callused finger slipped inside of me.

“Oh baby girl, you’re so tight, fuck I will barely be able to move. I can’t wait to feel your sweet little pussy stretch around my cock”

He took his finger out and cleaned with his tongue, humming in pleasure to the taste of my juices.

“You taste amazing, Y/N. Fuck I need more” He slide down my body placing his head between my thighs. His tongue gave a long lick from my entrance to my clit sucking it. Making his way back to my entrance again dipping his tongue inside of me, beginning to fuck me with his tongue.

“Oh my god, Roman, please fuck me! I need you inside of me please” I whined

“As you wish baby” He smirked

He slides his cock through my folds to lube it up, then places the head of his cock at my entrance

“Are you sure about this baby girl? ‘Cause once I start I won’t be able to stop myself”

“Roman, just fuck me already would you?” I said impatiently

He chuckled lightly saying “Easy tiger, we’ll take this slow, I don’t want to hurt you” Roman leaned down to peck my lips and returned to his previous position.

He started to slowly slide inside of me, inch by inch, painfully slow. He’s the biggest man I’ve ever been with, so I knew that we needed to take it slow, but fuck he feels so good I just wish he would roughly thrust into me, so I wiggle my hips to take more of him.

“Fuck Y/N, slow down! You’re too tight and I’m not exactly small, if you keep rushing things you’re gonna end up hurting yourself and I don’t want that”

“I know is just that your cock feels so fucking good, I just want you to fuck me Ro”

“Trust me baby, there’s nothing that I want more then fuck you senseless, but I want you to enjoy it as well ok?” He kissed my nose then my lips

When all of him was finally inside of me we both moaned loudly, I’ve never felt so full before and it was both a dream and a nightmare

“Motherfucker! Jesus fuck Y/N, you’re so fuckin- Oh my god.. I gotta focus ‘cuz I feel like at the slightest move I’ll cum” He pressed his forehead to mine as his thumb slowly traced circles on my clit.

“Roman” I gasped “Please don’t tease me like that, fuck it feels so fucking good” I cried as I felt my walls tighten around him

“Oh fuck!” Roman growled loudly “Don’t do that baby girl, don’t squeeze my cock like that, you’re gonna make m-“

“Move,please” I circled my hips

“Fuck it” He said as he forcefully grabbed my hips and begin to quickly thrust me.

“Oh Roman...harder, I need harder”

“Harder?” He chuckled “Like this?” He pounded into me mercilessly

“Yes! Just like that, oh please, don’t stop” “Fuck Y/N you’re going to get me addicted to you baby girl” He kissed my lips vigorously

“I say we should push you a little further..” Roman took the vibrator from the bed and placed on my clit.

“Ooohhh”

“Fuck, you look so beautiful baby girl, a whimpering mess underneath me”

“Ro- Roman I’m gonna cum”

“Cum baby, I wanna feel you cum around my cock”

And I did. My orgasm was so hard that my juices made a mess on Roman’s thighs and the bedsheets.

“Y/N, fuck baby...so fucking gorgeous, my messy girl” He chuckled “Where do you want me to cum baby?”

“Inside” I panted while I felt another mini orgasm come through me

“Fuck, I’m officially addicted to you baby girl. You’re my wet dream come true...gorgeous face, delicious body, perfect pussy..so tight for me. And on top of it all, you want my cum inside of you?! You are beyond perfect Y/N”

He thrusts into me 3 more times before finally cum, filling me up with his seed.

As we tried to recover our breaths, Roman uncuffed my wrists and placed a sweet kiss into each one.

“You ok baby girl?”

“Mhmm” I hummed

“Did I hurt you? Was I too rough?”

“No, of course not. You were perfect!”

“Good baby” He smiled

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure thing baby”

“Why? Why me?”

“Why not you?” He asked sincerely while he brushed my hair with his fingers

“I don’t know, I can’t picture someone like you with someone like me.. I mean, there are so many beautiful women in the company that fit you better...I’ve never thought you could find me attractive”

“Are you serious? Have you looked yourself in the mirror? You’re gorgeous, so perfect Y/N. Yes, there are beautiful women in the company but they’re nothing compared to you baby. You stand out, exactly because you’re different from all of them. You’re unique”

“Still...I don’t know..”

“Oh so you don’t believe me? Maybe I’ll have to show you then”

I could feel his cock beginning to harden on my thigh

“Show me? How?”

“Well baby girl, good thing there are more items of the box for us to try it huh?”

“Us?”

“Yeah, you don’t really think that I’m gonna let you go right? Now that I’ve tasted you, you’ve got me hooked baby. We’ve got the whole night for me to change your mind about us together. And I bet you that I will” He smirked as he leaned down to kiss my neck...

What a great way to celebrate my birthday 🎁

[thecandywrites]

Blood For Gold Part 7

So, I’m still in pain, yes that nerve is still pinched in my back which means my right hip is still numb/in A LOT of pain. But inspiration doesn’t care if the rest of my life is dumpster fire. 

That’s my inspiration telling me all kinds of stuff while I was waiting for my chiropractors this week, thank god for google docs so I can write down stuff while I get tens treatments. Also, after doing some research into British currency, a crown is less than a pound, I thought it was more. so from here on out, Audra’s dowry is fifty thousand pounds, also we’re going to still be at the ball because there are some developments in the plot and some easter eggs to bury. Have fun hunting. Also all the thanks to @kriskukko​ for letting me run with this, it’s so fun. And thank you @punkhorse96​ for your amazing feedback. It’s my life blood. Enjoy. 

Blood For Gold 

Part 7

At dinner you found yourself sitting next to the Dauphin Ramsey while Demsey sat across from you, Callellea on one side of him and Benyana on the other side of him with his brothers on the other sides of them as his brothers Sierge and Tzane being immediately absolutely smitten, having practically fallen for the jewel orcs already and knew that while both had been sent for their brother, that meant that they had, at least in theory, a chance with the other. But both didn’t want to admit that their preferred girl would be for Demsey, if they could get their preferred girl to go for them, the faster the better. They were falling helplessly and hopelessly for them and even as you sat across from them, you could see this. 

But you could also see how Demsey, while polite and friendly, was rather unaffected by them and dare you hope? Uninterested? Surely if Demsey, by all accounts would want an orc for a wife, no finer prospects could be found in the world and they were presently on either side of him. But he was acting like they were barely aquaintances that he had no interest in getting to know better, it gave your heart a small, glimmering speck of hope that maybe, just maybe, you had a chance. His declaration that he wanted to get to know you better had given your heart to soar like an eagle, you knew there was now an obstacle in your path. The Dauphin, Ramsey. However you did get to meet Lady Whitesale and she was...a piece of work. You could tell she was used to being one of the prettiest women wherever she was, but upon meeting Calla and Bennie and having their beauty eclipse hers and once she learned that they had been invited there by the royal family and to see them both talk at length with Demsey and his brothers, much less the rest of his family, had her glowering from across the room as she soon gathered the other orc ladies within the court to “talk” and you couldn’t help but overhear them as you passed them, they were trying to find dirt on the new comers and bring up every hurtful rumor and slanderous slur about mouras out of pure jealousy and spite and now knowing the truth that Demsey didn’t like her had you feeling relieved that he didn’t because she was just...awful. But that had not stopped her from trying her luck with Calla’s and Bennie’s brothers, if only to try to pump them for information. 

By dinner though, what really got your interest, was the way Calla and Bennie were treating Tzane and Sierge respectively. You knew Calla well enough that she was genuinely taken with Tzane and they were acting like long lost best friends getting reacquainted, eagerly chatting and gesturing while they tried to eat. 

Bennie though, she was working Sierge practically up to a foaming froth and she was taking delight in the fact that Sierge was practically drooling over her while eating out of her hand metaphorically speaking. Bennie had a way of behaving and emoting in such a way that you would never know what she was really playing at, much less really thinking or feeling until after she played her hand, no matter the situation, a skill you had lost over the last few years but one you knew you would have to rebuild and sharpen anew if you were going to compete for Demsey’s attentions while dodging Ramsey’s. 

Because, while mouras could charm crowds of thousands, if not tens or even hundreds of thousands, mouras were never more devastatingly charming and alluring than one on one. You remembered when you turned on the charm for Edward when he was the best option available to you, Edward didn’t stand a chance then, and now you could see that Sierge wouldn’t either against Bennie, she could practically get him to propose if she went at it much harder tonight. She was practically bewitching him, the same way you had bewitched Edward a lifetime ago. But such knowledge left you feeling ashamed for a behavior that had been taught to you in youth by your superiors. You had always just thought it was the moura bride way, an art form. Now it just felt as it was- dishonest. 

But Calla though, she wasn’t being charming just for the sake of being charming, she was being genuine and it was like comparing bright sunshine to the light of a candle to you as you realized, no wonder the rest of the Morrigan family could barely stand you, they could tell you were disingenuous and in this moment, you couldn’t blame them for that impression. You could still blame them for the extreme actions they took after though. 

“Is what you wish to retrieve from your house your moura contract my dear Audra?” Ramsey asked in marinai from a murmur into your ear as you instinctively bristled at his closeness, at feeling his hot breath on your skin almost made your skin crawl while his sister Charlotte sat on the other side of you, she was lovely, but you could tell her parents kept her purposefully naïve as most English women were at their age, but that was simply the difference in culture you supposed. 

You agreed to be Ramsey’s friend, however it was almost painfully obvious that he was wanting more than friendship from you but right now, you were not inclined to give him what he wanted. But you were curious to see what he was willing to give for it. Morbidly so. 

“It is, since Calla and Bennie are my friends, I wish for them to read it. I want them going into a future they might enjoy here with their eyes wide open, and not be blindsided as I was, but since I have signed the contract I can not speak of it, but nowhere is it written that I can not have other people read it.” You answered. 

“There is no need. I have a copy of it at my own residence at Windsor and if you truly wish for them to read it, I can provide it for them without you having to expose your own hiding place for it, I have been going over it in detail for the last week since your coming out into society was brought to my attention, if you’ll forgive me, I only wished to do my research and upon reading it, it intrigued me, just like you do. However I have had the best moura lawyers go over it and there are so many troubling details and inconsistencies in it, that make no sense and now that I have your permission to investigate the matter further, I will do so with expedition. The Morrigans have done you wrong and while the current situation saw you some justice, more is owed to you, and if you will simply hold off in showing your friends the contract because I do not want them to get the impression that what you experienced is the norm because it absolutely isn’t, in particular the one that Richard and yourself signed, I will do everything in my power to open up every prospect for you that I can, including returning to the stables, if you so choose to return to them, but not as a bride, but as a dowager.” Ramsey offered and you softly gasped as your jaw dropped and you lost your grip on your fork and knife as they clattered on the plate which seemed to garner everyone’s attention from around you, Demsey especially seemed to pause and stare, silently asking with a look to see if you were alright while the marinai word for dowager- halmana seemed to instantly engrave itself into his mind while Bennie seemed pleased as she gave the Dauphin a giddy and excited smile of approval while Calla too seemed excited since they had been lowkey overhearing your conversation while they carried out their own. 

“Dowager? How could you possibly elevate my status to that of a dowager?” You questioned as you picked up your wine glass and held the cold crystal to your burning cheeks as you could feel everyone’s gaze weigh heavily on you before you drank what remained in your glass and got it refilled. 

“Oh ever so easily, because as a dowager, your own possibilities to who you can remarry would be limitless, whereas now, you may only remarry who you wish within the nobility in England, which is not necessarily that promising, otherwise you may lose what little bit of security you currently enjoy. But as a dowager, that security may be paid out to you whether you chose to get remarried or not, whether you have a hundred children by a hundred different men or not and I want to make sure that when and if you ever do decide to have children, in or even out of wedlock, that they will also be provided for. Would this please you?” Ramsey inquired, mentally dangling every carrot he could think of because while he could see Calla and Bennie work their charms on Demsey’s brothers, he knew that at any moment, they were going to turn to Demsey and Demsey, besides being spoiled for choice, will be hopeless to resist them, they were simply gaining speed and a foothold with his brothers before they went in for the kill. 

But for now- Ramsey reasoned that he must tempt you into not doing anything that would ruin that before he could fully dazzle you himself. He needed to get you into a spectator state of mind, instead of a contender, that Calla and Bennie clearly were. Because once you chose him, your own dazzling charm aimed at him after you’ve taken in all of his greatest sides, then it will be seen as you trying to court him, and your choosing him since that is the only way the contract would be satisfied, it was your choice, but he had to make himself the best choice, much like Edward had done for himself. 

“It would.” You tentatively answered, trying and failing to not sound weary of him. 

“However I fear that if you have the power to lift me up so high, then that means you have the power to tear me down so low, lower than I am now. And I would be better off without your interference to begin with then. If anything, especially your mood or whim were to decide one way or the other. We are friends are we not? How can I give my friends, ones that I have only known for a night so much power over myself and my situation? Since you have read my contract you know that I have suffered from a power imbalance before. And this time around, I refuse to give such power to anyone, even to a friend.” You began as Bennie’s jaw dropped in almost horror at your words while Calla seemed to weigh that over as well as Demsey noticed their reactions to your words and never before had he needed to know what in the world was being said. 

“Oh no, you misunderstand me completely my dear Audra, I would never dream of tearing down something I helped build up, especially you, no I would never dream of meaning you any harm, no I want to protect you from all harm, from all others and even if you chose to have nothing to do with me, I would still choose to intervene to try to get you justice, you are moura as I am moura, and there must be more protections in place for all mouras. How could I in good conscience have not just yourself but three mouras here and not have safety nets in place for all of them?” Ramsey quickly reassured you as Demsey frowned, something about what he said, you clearly took offense to. He just needed to figure out what that word meant and why you’d have a bad reaction to it. 

“Then I will hold you to your word and I will wait and see how you follow through and deliver then if you can truly make myself, Calla and Bennie all dowagers, and none of us owe you anything in return and once it would or could be done, it would never be reversed for any reason, so that it would be written in stone as it were, or I will have to retract my permission.” You firmly insisted. 

“Oh absolutely, I would expect nothing less.” Ramsey assured you as that seemed to satisfy you as Calla and Bennie seemed pleased with that as well. 

“So how long would you prefer I wait for my friends to read my contract?” You asked. 

“At least a week, but no more than a month, tops.” Ramsey suggested, figuring that was more than enough time to court you so well, you would feel inclined to return the favor of him doing all this by marrying him and your yearly thirty thousand pounds a year will go straight to his pocket along with whatever stocks and shares in the Morrigan companies will also pay out too.  

“While I do trust you Ramsey, I have also learned to get everything down in writing.” You suggested. 

“Of course, I shall have something for you by the end of the day tomorrow.” He readily agreed.

“So what do you want in return for such endeavors?” You asked him. 

“Only that I at least have a viable spot in your heart to be able to court you properly.” Ramsey answered. 

“Does or rather- would any of it hinge on me accepting your offers of courtship?” You asked. 

“No, whether you chose me or not, you are royal moura, such efforts are owed whether I stand to gain anything or not.” Ramsey lied rather convincingly but you could see his falseness in his eyes. 

“Then I want that also in writing and signed by the highest judges and courts in the land who can hold you accountable for it.” You proposed. 

“Oh of course.” Ramsey agreed, because he doubted he would really have to follow through, you were going to be his by the end of the week, he was sure of it.

“So, since you’ve looked into my contract, have you seen the evidence of why I was deemed unfit to return to the stables?” You asked him. 

“I did not need to, I read the report myself.” Ramsey reassured you. 

“Then you should know that I will never again tolerate that kind of treatment. If anyone dares to mistreat me again, I will have no qualms or hesitation to fight back using whatever means necessary, laws of decorum or decency be damned.” You leveled as Demsey did his best to keep composed but he knew a threatening tone when he heard it and to hear you threaten the Dauphin was thrilling and exciting. He didn’t know what the Dauphin did to offend you but he was incredibly proud of you for returning it to the Dauphin’s face, he had to fight not to agree with whatever you were saying in marinai because he had no idea what you were saying but he was willing to bet that whatever it was, you were right about it. 

“Oh of course, anyone who dares mistreat you is to court death.” Ramsey readily agreed and the victorious grin you gave him was particularly beautiful.  

“Then we have an understanding, so if you will give me a piece of paper, I will write down what can be brought from my home and taken to the Windsor Palace so that I don’t have to miss any of this ball after all.” You suggested before he readily hand you his little notebook from his breast pocket and opened up to clean pages as you used the pencil from your dance card to fill out what you wanted from home. 

“By the way, did you like your dress?” Ramsey asked in English as he watched you write things down, noting your gorgeous handwriting. 

“I did, it had more moura touches than I was expecting.” You answered back in English as you wrote down what you wanted from home. 

“Oh good, when I saw you dining with the Morrigans at the Savoy from my private box a couple of weeks ago, which is what initially piqued my curiosity and intrigued me, seeing you look like a sparkling jewel among the dreary cobble of the occupants, I inquired where you had gone that day and to find out which dressmaker you used, I couldn’t help but make sure she added more moura details, in particular more Kilani and Kalinish touches, so that you didn’t feel so divorced from your homeland. I understand that the Morrigans have done all they can in that endeavor.” Ramsey offered as Demsey nearly choked on his food as he realized that’s how Ramsey knew of his partiality to you, he saw it for himself, while also kicking himself that he didn’t think to do such a thing, he was too busy paying for his sister’s new dresses, while he also knew that such a move would probably be inappropriate, for a gentleman such as himself to do such a intimate gesture for a woman he wasn’t married to, let alone a lady in society that he was not married to, his sister Kiera would have thrown a proper fit. Demsey was only partially listening to the conversations the Czarina and the Princess were having with his brothers as he watched your own interaction with Ramsey closely, he didn’t know what you were talking about but he knew the tones of a negotiation when he heard them, but he also wondered what you were negotiating. You didn’t have any ties, at least in business to the Dauphin but his gut was screaming at him that something big just went down right in front of him and he was keen to discover what it was. 

But a thought did occur to Demsey. The Dauphin knew no bounds, if he was allowed more power in the House of Lords, he would be an unstoppable political force, and the only ones to keep him in check was the royal family itself. The Dauphin was always happy to curry favor of everyone around him and was a natural political figure and even though he was connected to the royal family, he was also heavily tied with the common man and was seen as a down to earth, working man’s man even though he was born a blue blood himself. The Dauphin practically fed on popular opinion and loved to bask in the public’s adoration. But also had the ear of practically everyone in any position of authority. Including the judges and the courts. If what the Czarina had said was true, he could and most likely be talking to you about your own contract with the stables and with the Morrigans. 

Demsey had actually looked into it himself, but because he didn’t have that many friends in law only because his soap business didn’t need that much involvement in it and he had little nerve for the arguing of court in the house of lords only because he was a new lord and therefore didn’t have that much sway or power other than his one little vote and would rather just stay in his office all day and do something productive. But when he tried to look into you from that aspect, he had been firmly dismissed from even looking into it and was reminded that his own hold onto his own nobility was always a delicate hold, and that to question the dealings between a moura and her stables, was too dangerous a game, even for kings. 

“Are you alright Duke Demsey?” You asked him when he started coughing and sputtering while Calla and Bennie both turned and started patting his back. 

“Yes, the partridge is so delicious, I tried to inhale it instead of eat it.” He answered as he beat his chest with his fist to get a normal breathing rhythm going again before taking several long pulls of wine from his glass before it was readily refilled as you also realized that your own behavior towards Demsey was also clearly observed, by the Dauphin and who knows who else and it was that- that was the reason Calla and Bennie were here. Because of you. You would have to be more careful from now on, especially at Windsor, when every servant could be Ramsey’s eyes and ears. But if the Dauphin delivered, then at least Calla could be with Tzane if she genuinely liked him as well as you could discern she did, and for that you would put up with this. But having Demsey so close for however long, would give you a chance to get to know him better too and if you could at least show him that you were interested in him, but you would have to be discrete about it, but maybe you had a chance. 

After the ball, on the way to the Windsor palace Demsey sat with his brothers as they both eagerly looked out the windows of the carriage as Tzane and Sierge were bragging about their jewel orc companions and what they were eagerly looking forward to seeing of them at Windsor because their companions had talked about all the things they had wanted to do while they were there, like griffin riding and a moura’s version of sword fencing. 

“Did either of you find out what halmana means?” Dempsey asked them after both of them seemed to take a breath. 

“I do! It means dowager in marinai, it’s a classification for moura women. Very few moura women have that classification because it means that they can do whatever they want and marry whoever they want without anyone’s input or approval, even the stables have no authority over a dowager, in fact it’s the stables that have to listen and obey dowager moura women.” Tzane readily offered as Demsey’s eyebrows rose in surprise. Demsey was expecting it to mean something along the lines of a ‘whore’ or ‘bitch’ or something offensive like that. Not...dowager as in queen dowager, dowager empress, kind of thing. 

“That doesn’t make any sense, why would Audra act like that was an insult? When the Dauphin said that to her, she...” Demsey thought aloud as he frowned and shook his head no. 

“I asked Calla that and she told me that the conversation was actually about Audra’s contract with the stables and the Dauphin was telling her that he was looking into it and was going to be trying to get her that status because she is currently has the status of shakan, which means lowly outsider- one not welcome back because you have little to no value as a bride, that you’re ruined beyond repair and is the lowliest of moura’s classifications. Calla said that there was almost a revolt in Kilan, which is the prefecture, or state, county kind of thing- her family rules in Dorierra when she was branded as a shakan because she left as a nescia, which basically means princess because she has more royalty in her pedigree than our own royal family from dynasties all over the world but mainly in the middle east, her family line was one of the first original moura lines in the stables when the stables were developed. She’s as original of a moura as mouras can get and had she not married Edward, she should have married an emperor or something like that. Calla said that it would be like a prince being stripped of his nobility and royalty and branded a commoner of a foreign country, a great humiliation, since then, no other moura bride ever set foot on English soil for fear of their own standing would suffer. Calla said that the royal family had to put up an enormous sum just to get them here and make all kinds of promises that their own status would only increase if they came. Because since Audra’s demotion, the price for a moura bride to come to here has been sky high, way too high for anyone but royalty to pay, the royal family had to pay Calla and Bennie seventy five thousand pounds each, just to come here for six weeks.” Tzane explained as Demsey could only cough as if he got sucker punched in the gut as Sierge whistled lowly. 

“But that doesn’t explain why Audra would be weary of such a thing being offered to her.” Demsey frowned. 

“That’s because Audra pointed out to the Dauphin that if he had the power to lift her up so high, he would also have the power to bring her back down on his whim and that she would be better off having him not interfere at all much less have nothing to do with him.” Tzane revealed. 

“Oh! That makes sense, that makes so much more sense now.” Demsey nodded in understanding. 

“Well you got to applaud her for realizing that, most women would be so distracted by the prospect of becoming a dowager, she wouldn’t think that what could be given could be taken away just as easily, which knowing the Dauphin, is sadly a possibility. She’s smart, I’ll give her that.” Demsey nodded. 

“Yeah but if she’s a lowly shakan, that doesn’t explain the Dauphin’s interest, he would think her beneath him.” Sierge argued.      

“Except, Audra told me that Edward provided a living for her after his death, it must be of some great worth and her dowry of fifty thousand pounds, if he succeeded in elevating her to a dowager, not only would she be a lady of great wealth, but also that of high class. She would be, relatively speaking, perfect for him. And with his ties to the courts and to the royal family, he could push for the Morrigans to pay out her yearly allowance for the rest of her life, even when she was remarried, and if he succeeded, she would be the most eligible bachelorette in all of Europa, and the stables would even bid for her to return. It’s a gamble that’s worth the risk for the Dapuhin. Just her dowry alone could set him straight from all of his gambling debts. But the real question is, is the gamble worth it for her?” Demsey realized. 

“It will be, Bennie told me that Audra negotiated for Bennie and Calla to be dowagers as well and that Audra demanded that the offer be in writing signed off by the highest judges and courts in the land, ones that would hold the Dauphin to his word and to the letter of the contract and that she didn’t owe him anything in return for his interference and that once it’s done, it can never be undone, even though the Dauphin only asked for a chance to court her in return, not that she’d say yes or accept the advances. Which for her, shows incredible insight and forethought, almost as if someone has warned of his character.” Sierge noted with an amused grin. 

“You two do realize, that there’s no way this family could ever afford a moura, much less a jewel orc moura from the stables, if their fee for six weeks of their time was seventy five thousand pounds, which is three times as much as our family makes in a year, we can’t afford them.” Demsey pointed out. 

“But if they become dowagers, they could, in theory, waive their fee if they really, genuinely liked us and wanted to stay with us, Calla said so herself.” Tzane pointed out as Sierge seemed pleased to hear that too. 

“Why do I get the feeling that we’re in water over our heads?” Demsey asked his brothers. 

“Because we probably are.” Tzane shrugged. 

“Yeah, that’s why it’s a really good thing all of us can swim.” Sierge grinned triumphantly just as they were pulling up to the palace of Windsor, their family’s other carriage that had their sisters and parents ahead of them. 

“True.” Demsey murmured to himself. 

[comeonthinkers]

The Constant Struggle of Cuteness

I feel like, this morning, I need to talk about body image. Body image, and the constant barrage of conflicting messages around body image that I, as a midsize woman, receive and dissect every day.

First of all: midsize. Was this even a term five years ago? As “plus size” has become more ubiquitous and more accepted in the past decade, “fat” has been reclaimed, and “curvy” is suddenly more of a feeling than a descriptor, the terms I used to identify with as a teenager now, somehow, no longer apply to me anymore. I’m not sure what happened in the past decade; in high school I distinctly remember almost always being the largest woman in the room. Since then, whether it’s due to perception, self-confidence, age, awareness, or just... overall changes in the population, I now find myself distinctly in the middle. 

Note: I’ve been a size 12-16 my entire post-adolescent life. For one brief stint after college I could fit into a size 10. But before and since, 14 has been the mainstay numeral in my wardrobe. My steady friend and most accurate guesstimate across brands as to what my body may fit.

14, despite being the most (so I’m told) “common” size amongst women, was for many years infamous for being the most left-out, in-between size in clothing stores. In juniors’ stores (marketed toward teens: your Charlotte Russe’s and Forever 21′s), 14 would translate to the non-existent XXL: with “XL” usually falling in the “12″ range. In Plus Size or Women’s stores, 14 is a 0X; 1X is most commonly measured around a “16″ size.

About 5 years ago I found a fashion youtuber who made a video decrying the variation of a size 12 across different brands. And I’ll agree: sizes vary a lot from brand to brand, despite there being a base similarity in most big brand stores. She, like me, found herself living in this dreaded size 12-14 fashion purgatory, this no-womans-land of sizes. And even here! The numbers can’t be trusted!

She called herself “midsize”. She looked a lot like me. And at last, I had a label I could consistently search and see body types that I could identify with. From what I can tell, midsize is the chosen moniker for fashion influencers sizes 8-16, with of course, varying body shapes and compositions. For example, many of the folks I follow on instagram that claim “midsize” wear a VERY different bra size from me- so to find “fashion inspiration” I can actually act upon from midsize influencers, I also have to bring in a few accounts that allow for more top-heavy-friendly designs.

Despite all of the overwhelming positivity and diversity now available to me as a midsize woman (for example, almost all plus-size brands now start at a size 10-12 (00X-0X), and most “regular” retail brands now extend to a XXL), I can’t help but go back to my first observation: I’m no longer the largest woman in the room. While I don’t consider myself particularly unhealthy, I also know I’m not passing any presidential fitness tests any time soon. I find it difficult to run for extended periods of time. My joint strength isn’t nearly what it should be to support my weight. While muscular, I have a lot of extraneous body fat that adds strain to my daily life, and all my body’s systems: skeletal, endocrine, muscular, cardiovascular. This isn’t good. I’ve worked for years to try to find ways to get stronger, lose weight, and improve my overall health- in fact, the difficulty I faced when trying to lose weight was what led me to discover that I have PCOS and a few hormonal hurdles to maintaining a healthy body weight.

But when I try to research how best to approach health and weight loss with PCOS, the studies are few and far between- and when available are fairly inconclusive and far from thorough. I’m left to follow MORE accounts of personal success stories, all of which are biased toward one product or another, one lifestyle brand or book tour, all of which are antithetical to every other product, book, or brand I’ve seen before.

On the one hand, I’m grateful to see more body types represented in the media.  It IS helpful to my self-esteem to normalize the bodies of women both my size and larger than me (even if there’s still a prevalence of too-smooth skin and too-round belly buttons). But I also worry about how we tend to conflate feeling good about ourselves to being healthy. They aren’t the same. And we’re letting commercial forces tell us that it’s okay to be unhealthy even when attempting to BE healthy: mentally or physically.

Time to come clean here: for the past year, I’ve been experimenting on and off with a carnivore lifestyle, which, OBVIOUSLY, many people assume is super unhealthy, much like the stigma around Atkins in the early 2000′s. Honestly, it feels a lot like Atkins did back in the day: lots of bacon, burgers, steak, and eggs. Quite literally “zero-carb”, as opposed to just “low-carb”. While low-carb isn’t really new anymore, and many people can see carnivore as a logical step past the surprisingly universally accepted ketogenic diet, I was amazed to discover just how much the “science” of the trendier diets of the past decade (paleo, keto, whole-30) don’t match up to the scientific, accepted nutritional advice of the actual medical community.

Last year I started going to a weight-loss clinic at the behest of my OB-GYN in an attempt to get my PCOS and weight “under control”. I’m gonna spoil most of the rest of this rant by saying this was a pretty dumb idea for someone like me. This clinic was created around those with extreme weight issues, for whom psychological care and bariatric surgery are the most “effective” forms of treatment (again, according to the health care system that seems determined to sell it, but I’ll talk more about THAT another time). The nutritionist I met with gave me the same spiel I’d read time and time again from every weight-loss specialist book I’d bought, despite me relaying to her my decades-long struggle with traditional diets and fat-loss strategies. A ketogenic diet was never recommended to me, nor any kind of actual dietary changes to help with hormone balance/control: I was prescribed metformin (a drug for insulin resistance most commonly prescribed to type 2 diabetics) and told to eat a low-fat, high-fiber diet.

I didn’t lose any weight. My periods didn’t regulate. I just stopped gaining weight as fast... although I did eventually gain back the 12 pounds I’d lost from my first 2 months on carnivore. 

The truth is, that treatment plan, that clinic... it doesn’t exist for someone who is trying to change their body chemistry. It might work for folks that are so obese that literally ANY form of mindful eating will help them lose 200 pounds. But let’s be real: if I lost 200 pounds, I’d weigh 6 pounds. I’m a tall, muscular woman with some fat that has tried all the recommended diets for fat loss. Through them all, I fight cravings and energy loss, mood swings, and all the symptoms that come with PCOS. The ONLY thing I’ve found in the past 10 years that actually helps with my PCOS? 

Regular exercise, stress management, and a carnivore diet. 

I’ll also point out that when I DID lose a considerable amount of weight after college (due to what I think was a combination of 1. getting enough sleep for once, 2. intermittent fasting, and 3. regular hiking), it was also easier for me to maintain my weight and many of my PCOS symptoms went away. It wasn’t until I switched to a HORMONAL BIRTH CONTROL method that I then gained back all of the weight I lost (and then some) and once again began fighting uncontrolled PCOS symptoms. They compounded on each other, and made it harder and harder to get back to any kind of “normal”. 

So, I’m back on carnivore. In addition to more stable energy, noticeable reduction of PCOS symptoms, and slight weight loss, I also just... hurt a lot less on carnivore. Along this journey I’ve finally realized that I do in fact have a chronic pain problem. Whether it’s due to chronic inflammation, past injuries, or food sensitivities, I’m not really sure: but I know when I eat carnivore, my chronic pain all but goes away. Recently, I’ve been recovering from a back injury, so there was of course some pain associated with that (as well as a break from regular exercise, which I plan to get back to once I’m cleared by my chiropractor), but the daily body aches, numbness, and discomfort?

Gone. 

I’ve got regular periods when I eat this way- like, ACTUALLY one a month like I’m supposed to have. My facial hair growth slows down, even thins out. My focus improves. I sleep better, and actually follow a normal circadian rhythm. What’s total bananas is that I’m not the only one who experiences this: MANY folks who’ve tried this way of eating report daily quality of life improvements.

I’m not going to say everyone should eat this way; I’m not even going to suggest that everyone with PCOS should eat this way. But I WOULD love to see some actual RESEARCH done on this way of eating- or even better research on a ketogenic diet! I’m so frustrated by the lack of medical research on nutrition, and in particular the lack of action to curb the universally-accepted-to-be-unhealthy nutrition standards in America. While I won’t say it’s hard to eat carnivore (cause like, all diets are hard), I have noticed over the years that NO ONE IN OUR COUNTRY IS HEALTHY anymore- except for those whose JOB it is to be healthy. And this isn’t a coincidence!! Almost all cultures that have adopted American corporatized food structures are chronically unhealthy, and much, much more fat than they used to be.

I agree that being fat isn’t always a personal failing, and I’m so, SO glad that more and more figures in our media diets are representing the diverse catalogue of body shapes and sizes reflected in our world. I’m happy that my future daughter won’t be fat-shamed the same way I was as a little girl, and that she likely won’t be told (like I was) that she’s too fat to be what she wants to be when she grows up, despite not actually being all that fat. 

BUT. Fat representation is not the hill I want to literally die on. I’m not willing to throw my health, my comfort, my ability to be active, away for my “right” to eat ice cream every day. I’m sick of being marketed to constantly as a garbage disposal. I’m not just here to eat and diet and wear clothes.

I’m here to LIVE. I’m here to plant gardens and make art and take walks and enjoy the seasons. And I can’t do a lot of those things if I’m constantly sick and in pain. And it’s way harder to enjoy not being sick and not being in pain when all we know to do as a society when spending time together is... eat food. 

What frustrates me is, I think so much of this really comes down to marketing, corporate profit-mongering, and the way our political system is set up to make laws for companies instead of people. I think capitalism is making us fat and unhealthy, to sell us sugar and diets and medicine and surgeries in an endless cycle of crap. I don’t really have much more to say on that, I don’t have sources, except like... well, look around you. Look at the system we have. Look at what we’re told to do to escape it. And look at how many forces are there to take us right back to the beginning of the roller coaster when we have a little success. 

Side note/conspiracy theory time: I actually think liposuction might be a more safe and effective (literally EFFECTIVE not just safe) form of “weight loss surgery” in helping folks with actual, permanent weight loss. Hear me out: while I will fully admit I can’t remember where I read any of this (as I’ve read so many scores of information regarding health and weight loss over my lifetime), I seem to remember body fat working something like this: it’s really easy for your body to make new fat cells, but very difficult for your body to destroy them. So, when you gain fat, it first occurs by your body filling your fat cells with fat, until they can’t hold anymore, and then your body makes new fat cells, which makes it easier for your body to hold onto said fat. The best way to “reset” your body’s fat threshold is to literally destroy or remove the fat cells. And, I assume, if you adopt more healthy habits AFTER having liposuction, your body would be less likely to create more fat cells than it was when you lived an unhealthy lifestyle.

Bariatric surgery is incredibly invasive and dangerous, and almost always ends up reversed by bad habits and your body’s natural ability to STORE FAT AND STRETCH YOUR STOMACH. It’s a temporary solution, and often proves to be ineffective in the long term, and leads to many unfortunate complications over time, not to mention the recovery from that surgery is LONG and TOUGH.

But liposuction (the most COMMON FORM OF PLASTIC SURGERY, I’ll add), is the only “weight loss” procedure (despite not being labeled as such- it’s “cosmetic surgery” even though it most definitely WOULD result in weight loss, right?) that actually removes fat from your body. Literally takes the fat cells away so your body can’t fill them up again, without once again needing to create more.

But bariatric surgery is covered by insurance, and liposuction isn’t... despite the fact that removing weight and fat from the body would be a more instant and potentially effective cure for obesity and its underlying symptoms, and being a simpler procedure overall, as well as extremely common. 

So like... why is being fat something poor people are forced to endure dangerous surgery and super long recoveries and lifetime habit changes to overcome, but rich people just get to have their fat vacuumed away? Sounds sus to me. 

[tebbyclinic05]

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[datascraping001]

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